Blog

This week we take a look at another email from yon mailbag:

Date: May 31, 2008
From: Amanda
ok so I suck and my computer got booted off… lol but I really would love for you all to contact me. I wanna know how to see you guys live and get really cool merch and stuff. I am from the most heartwrenching town known to man… branson missouri. have you heard of it??? country music hell. anyway… I love you guys… please save me!!

Dear Amanda,

As a matter of fact, I have heard of Branson, Missouri. Did you know that Branson was founded in 1707 by multi-billionaire Richard Branson? I bet not. From everything else I’ve heard it sounds like a shit hole. Chances are we won’t be playing there any time soon. Not because it’s (possibly) a shit hole — we play shit holes all the time. We even did a whole tour of shit holes once.

No, we won’t be playing there because we’re not playing anywhere right now, except for our soon-to-be-hot-as-balls garage where we write and rehearse. If all goes according to plan, this page will be the #1 Google result for “soon-to-be-hot-as-balls” by the end of June.

If you want to see us live, you can either buy a ticket to one of our writing sessions (they currently cost $800,000 each and are sold out forever), or you can mail us a check for $5,000 and we’ll come play in your dining room (or your billiard room or whatever room you have available). If you really want to roll the dice you can just wait and see if we end up playing anywhere near Missouri any time soon, but like I said that’s probably not gonna happen, at least until we’re done with our new album. And even then, I’m not sure how eager we’re gonna be to drive all the way out there to play a show for 10 people.

On the bright side, if you want some really cool merch all you have to do is click on over to our online store where you can buy shirts and posters and stuff. Everything we sell in the store gets us that much closer to finishing (well, actually, starting) the new album which gets us that much closer (but not by much) to playing somewhere near Branson.

I’m not sure how we can possibly save you at this point. Once you are in Branson, there’s no escape. You might be able to get out by smuggling yourself onto a bus full of old ladies on their way to Memphis or something, but you didn’t hear that from me.