Blog Archive for June, 2008

Photo by NguyenDai

Every once in a while I come across a new band and they immediately become my favorite band.  It’s becoming increasingly rare these days, but it does still happen.  This week, it finally happened again and it’s pretty safe to say that there’s no way you’ve ever heard of them.

How do I know this? I’m glad you asked. Because I’ve never heard of them either. No one has.

They’re so obscure they might not actually exist.  I don’t know their name or where they’re from (if anywhere).  I don’t know if they play Nordic black metal or indie-electro-ragtime. In fact, if I had to guess (and I do) I’d say they’ve probably invented a totally new genre. And I’d be right.

So you’re probably wondering if I’m about set the blog-o-sphere on fire by posting a link to the next mp3 sensation that will be on every hipster’s iPod and, of course, the next Volkswagen commercial.

Well, I’m not. That would be so 2007. And besides, once I actually hear what this band sounds like I’m pretty sure I’ll hate it.  Just the fact that anyone finds out anything about them at all will be so lame that I’ll probably claim to have never liked them in the first place, unless they turn out to have some “early stuff” that I could possibly not have heard.

I can’t wait to publish this post.  I’m definitely getting in on the ground floor with these guys. No one will dare claim to have not heard of them before I did. Not even the band members themselves.  Because you know what? I haven’t even told you the best thing about this band:

I have it on good advice that all the members of the band have brain conditions similar to the main character in the movie Momento, and that even they haven’t heard of their own band. They don’t know what their own music sounds like, what the songs are called, or if they’ve even recorded any of it. They might not even know how to play their instruments. If they even have instruments. If they even exist at all.

I’m pretty sure they do exist though.  I mean, why wouldn’t they?  Now is the perfect time for a band like this to come along and totally change things.  Like Nirvana did in the early 90s. And after that, Puddle of Mudd. And of course, going all the way back to Dokken, the band that (mostly) started it all (after Phil Collins paved the way).

To sum up: I’m awesome (obviously) and you totally wish you’ve heard of my new favorite band.  Unfortunately for you, once you’ve heard of them, they’ll suck and you’ll still be lame.

From: Siya
Date: May 20, 2008

Hey guys…i’m mailing from South Africa, just wanna say i love your music. So much so I dont have a favorite song, me and my best friend changed favorite songs every week so we decided just to let that go. Amazing music guys…RESPECK! (lol! love the “prove you’re human” bit)

Dear Ali G,

I didn’t know you lived in South Africa. That’s pretty cool. Your best friend is Borat, right? You should have him email us as well. That would be very exciting.

Anyway, there’s no rule that says you have to have a favorite song. Or a favourite song. You do, however, have to have a favorite album, a favorite band member, a favourite colour (but not a favorite color) and a favorite outrageous celebrity TV moment. I don’t make the rules, I just enforce ‘em.

I expect a full report on my desk by 0800 hours.

That was fast.

We are currently the top Google search result for “soon to be hot as balls.”

That’s out of a grand total of total of three, but it’s still an honor.

This week we take a look at another email from yon mailbag:

Date: May 31, 2008
From: Amanda
ok so I suck and my computer got booted off… lol but I really would love for you all to contact me. I wanna know how to see you guys live and get really cool merch and stuff. I am from the most heartwrenching town known to man… branson missouri. have you heard of it??? country music hell. anyway… I love you guys… please save me!!

Dear Amanda,

As a matter of fact, I have heard of Branson, Missouri. Did you know that Branson was founded in 1707 by multi-billionaire Richard Branson? I bet not. From everything else I’ve heard it sounds like a shit hole. Chances are we won’t be playing there any time soon. Not because it’s (possibly) a shit hole — we play shit holes all the time. We even did a whole tour of shit holes once.

No, we won’t be playing there because we’re not playing anywhere right now, except for our soon-to-be-hot-as-balls garage where we write and rehearse. If all goes according to plan, this page will be the #1 Google result for “soon-to-be-hot-as-balls” by the end of June.

If you want to see us live, you can either buy a ticket to one of our writing sessions (they currently cost $800,000 each and are sold out forever), or you can mail us a check for $5,000 and we’ll come play in your dining room (or your billiard room or whatever room you have available). If you really want to roll the dice you can just wait and see if we end up playing anywhere near Missouri any time soon, but like I said that’s probably not gonna happen, at least until we’re done with our new album. And even then, I’m not sure how eager we’re gonna be to drive all the way out there to play a show for 10 people.

On the bright side, if you want some really cool merch all you have to do is click on over to our online store where you can buy shirts and posters and stuff. Everything we sell in the store gets us that much closer to finishing (well, actually, starting) the new album which gets us that much closer (but not by much) to playing somewhere near Branson.

I’m not sure how we can possibly save you at this point. Once you are in Branson, there’s no escape. You might be able to get out by smuggling yourself onto a bus full of old ladies on their way to Memphis or something, but you didn’t hear that from me.